Windows H8

Welcome to Windows 8: The OS that hates you as much as you hate it.

Don't get fooled by the poisonous colours and the user-friendly appearance: Windows 8 does hate you with every bit of its soul, and it's willing to go to any length to prove it. It hates you for the very fact you exist. It hates you for not thinking forward. And, especially, it hates you for buying a stationary PC instead of a tablet, because that's what this is all about, right? Selling motherfucking tablets.

I don't know if Microsoft has achieved its objectives in that field, but it definitely succeeded at pushing people away from buying stationary computers and into the arms of Apple. If that was what they wanted, congratulations - you really did a fantastic job, guys... just like Myspace did pushing away all the bands it had left with its brilliant revamp.

Windows 8, in fact, has a lot in common with the New Myspace.

With both, you find yourself struggling to navigate through an extremely unintuitive and confusing interface, trying to figure out where to go and what to do. Less than five minutes into any of the two, you'll be desperately talking to the computer screen, asking: 'Can I do anything, PLEASE?'

The answer is 'no, you can't'.

In both cases, all you're allowed to do is admire the flawless simplicity of the advanced interface design and feel grateful for living in this era of technological progress, all while allowing yourself to be spoon-fed with corporate-driven contents and generously sharing your personal data. Living in the future never felt so good, heh?

Now serioursly, it's phisically impossible for you to not enjoy Windows 8's sophisticated design: four of every five toddlers enquired stated that it was the best design they had ever seen; the fifth did not provide an answer because he was distracted sucking his thumb or taking a nap.

The statistics speak for themselves.

On the picture below, you can see the chief design officer at Microsoft immersed in the process of developing the intricate concept behind the groundbreaking Windows 8 interface:

Groundbreaking, indeed... in the most literal sense of the word, since it literaly breaks the ground you're used to standing on to pieces; to gigantic, flat, acid-coloured squares, in fact. It tears down the very idea of Windows (the really revolutionary design that both Microsoft and Apple bought from Xerox 1000 years ago and have been championing ever since); it shreds the multidimensional desktop space to unidimensional tiles; it shits on the very concept of multi-tasking; rules PCs out as obsolete.

Try to complain, they'll dismiss you as an analogic dinosaur and a desktop die-hard.

'You have to think forward' they'll tell you. 'Mobile devices are the future. You have to compromise.'

Well, mobile devices might be the future, but we are living in the goddamn present, where my PC still does stuff your tablets can't do. Babies are also the future, and yet that doesn't mean adults should start wearing diapers in order to advance.

Tablets and smartphones need optimitzed software precisely because of the limitations derived from their mobile condition. It makes sense for them to run simplified versions of programs and have a touch-friendly interface, but what's the sense of forcing that into a stationary computer that's potent enough to run NORMAL programs and doesn't even have a fucking touch screen in the first place? It's just as stupid as taking a guy from college and putting him back into kindergarten to play with blocks and learn the alphabet, because compromise. 

That's exactly the way the PC user is bound to feel when first introduced to Windows 8: like an adult sitting in a preschool classroom.

History books say that prisoners in concentration camps were forced to eat using their hands in order to strip them from their human condition. Well, as friviolous as this comparison might seem, one can't help feeling that Microsoft really thinks that, by making you click on gigantic multicoloured buttons and read texts written in humiliatingly orversized fonts, you too will end up believing you're too retarted to be treated like an adult.

If you've ever come across the Windows 8 calcultator app, you'll understand my point.

The visually impaired will most probably be thrilled about this new feature. For those of us who still have a 20/20 vision, however, clicking on numbers the size of a chihuahua head in a mandatory full-screen setting feels a bit humiliating.

But don't worry, PC user: you'll get used to this, just like you got used to everything else. Your indestructible faith in progress will help you adapt to the new world Miscrosoft has so lovingly crafted for you.

And, if you ever feel in doubt, you just have to look at your WWWD bracelet and ask yourself: 'What would will.i.am do?'

Probably, this:

It's obvious that will.i.am has been living inside the Windows 8 interface for quite some time. Very literaly. You can tell that from the design of his latest album cover:

That's most definitely what he would call 'Future Hunting'.

I, personally, still need therapy after trying to get along with the new OS for just one day. I have nightmares about it, and wake up from my dreams feeling raped by Microsoft.

Not funny.

Not funny at all.

So let will.i.am do the #FutureHunting;  I'm calling a computer tech in hopes he can return me to the comfort of Windows 7.

I can have no peace till I get this cancer out of my sistem.

Very literaly.